Conflict is enevitable in any relationship and varies in degree. Relationship counselling will help you work through this conflict, and start the process of personal growth and healing. If you are experiencing conflict in your relationship with your partner or spouse, finding someone else does not solve the problem. This is because the root of the problem often lies within yourself. Therefore you’ll only be taking the same or similar problems and behaviours into the new relationship.

Conflict in relationships at some time or other is inevitable because your emotional development needs to happen. Consequently your subconscious mind is compelled to bring you to similar situations until you resolve these issues. Once these issues are resolved you can then move on to grow into the person you are meant to be. Relationship counselling will help you explore these issues.

Unconsious Attraction

Most people believe that we choose the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, and it may be true that you have a mental list (or even a written one) of the qualities you are looking for in finding your perfect partner. This list may include specific behaviours, or it may be about their appearance, or even a combination of both. Most of us do this to some extent.

Well, I’m about to tip this notion of having a choice on the head. Attraction to another person has very little to do with conscious choice. It has everything to do with complex subconscious needs that you and I have to resolve in order for us to complete our personal growth and attain wholeness. There is some very good research around to suggest that we are unconsciously attracted to another person, and that he or she is to us.

We can find clues to support this view in our everyday language about love. The common description of ‘falling in love’ and ‘falling head over heels’ are terms that imply that we have little or no control when it comes to matters of the heart. Sometimes we even enter a relationship against our better judgment. Some people experience ‘love at first sight’ and even for couples who have known each other a while, there is a moment of sudden relisation that ‘they have fallen in love’. Love therefore is described as something that happens to us, a deeply complex subconscious event…beyond our control.

Romantic Love – The First Stage

When you experience romantic love, you believe you’ve met the person you’ve been waiting for all your life. You have met the man or woman of your dreams, life is wonderful, you feel alive and full of energy. Life is full of anticipation. You feel great and generally create happiness wherever you go. You do all you can to please your partner, going the extra mile and taking greater effort with your appearance. He or she is constantly in your thoughts and when you’re apart you’re texting and phoning, just to have that contact. You’ve finally found “The One” and you believe and want these feelings to last forever.

You are ecstatic because your subconscious has found the perfect match for you and your healing and growth into wholeness can commence. Your brain releases chemicals causing you to experience loss of appetite, sleep disturbance and inability to concentrate. In addition you may experience an increase in energy, sexual desire and general feelings of well-being.

Dissappointment and Concern

Things go along nicely for a while, then gradually start to simmer down. You enter the second stage of a relationship and start to experience disappointment and concern.

You notice the flaws in the other person that you had previously overlooked, and now begin to irritate you. Also you may start to feel frustrated and disappointed with his or her behaviour. A common frustration may be that you just can’t understand why he/she does not intuitively know what you need, want or how you feel. You sense your partner is behaving and feeling differently towards you. You may even fear they are losing interest in you and even ‘falling out of love’ with you. Additionally, passion and sexual desire may lessen, and you may feel your love for your partner is dying. Sometimes you may even think that you chose the ‘wrong’ partner and made a mistake.

The reality is that you are subconsciously realizing that your partner cannot meet your unresolved needs from childhood. Furthermore, it is this disappointment that causes inner distress and insecurity, and you start to protect yourself. This stage is often called ‘the power struggle’ where winning an argument, or being right becomes more important than listening to each other, and working towards the loving relationship you both want.

Conflict and Strife

Your brain no longer releases those ‘feel good’ chemicals, and your relationship is a hotbed of criticism, sarcasm, blame, anger and resentment. Demonstrations of love and affection become less frequent; and respect and appreciation for each other disappears – all deepening the affect of rejection and unhappiness. At this point, many people prefer to avoid their partner’s company as often as they can by immersing themselves in work, sport, recreation interests, TV and the internet. This is the stage when some people may have an affair in an attempt to meet their needs and avoid the stress in their relationship.

If this resonates with you, don’t lose hope

Too many couples feel the only answer is to end the relationship or separate for a while. Or alternatively they may resign themselves to a workable arrangement, such as staying together for the sake of the children or for financial reasons. Relationship counselling will help you focus on what you need from the relationship with your partner or spouse. Furthermore it will give you the skills to resolve conflict and improve communication.